This notion of predictability got me to thinking about something I had read from Paul Denlinger a few days back:

Jeremy Goldkorn seems to agree:

When we think of media bias about China, we typically think about how Western media often takes advantage of American’s love of hating China (for example, see Rein on the NYT). Many of us reading China news tend to be far more trusting of “old China hands” instead.

But I guess just as we have to question our media sources and look for possible factors that compromise their voices, we should also question our Laowai thought leaders in much the same way.

Do you think that the opinions of  “China thought leaders” are very heavily influenced by their business ties?  And if so, should they be stepping into the media spotlight at all?

*Note: My knowledge of Rein is pretty superficial, and I don’t want to make any conclusions about him from reading this one article. I’ll keep reading his columns in the future, and will make my own conclusions later on.

• China via Japan Pt 1
• China via Japan Pt 2
• China via Japan Pt 3

It looks like there might be more installments of this series coming up, so stay tuned.

Why I prefer Japanese Food

After seeing what some people in China are willing to feed to human babies, it’s no wonder that so many animals in China are going the way of Blinky the 3-eyed fish on the Simpsons. Now I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but I gotta admit that the animals on this list kinda make me want to opt for some other kind of food.

6. The Seven-Legged Frog

I bet this little guy can jump really really far. I’m not sure if this frog is the result of an active Chinese effort to produce frog legs more efficiently, or if he’s just a one-in-a-billion accident. Whatever the case, little Qiqi here (that’s what I’ve named him) certainly proves that it isn’t especially easy being green — especially in Red China.

5. The 3-Legged Duck

I love Peking Duck. It’s by far my favorite Chinese food. Or at least, it used to be before I saw this po’ bastard. No word on whatever happened to this little guy, but word on the street is he landed a part time job in a photo studio somewhere in downtown Shanghai.

4. The Two-Faced Pig

Have you ever held two mirrors together edge to edge, and then slanted them to see what you could make your reflection look like? Well, I bet it would be totally mind blowing if this pig tried that.

3. The Two-Headed Turtle

This one is actually kind of cool because unlike the rest of the freaks on this list, this guy can actually pass for a normal turtle by sucking one of his heads into his shell. In keeping with the 7-legged frog, Statler and Waldorf here are further proof that it’s really tough being a reptile in the middle kingdom.

2. The Giant Rat

This is the most recent Chinese mutant to make the list. Apparently he is still in captivity down in Fujian province, being held prisoner by a man named Xian.

**UPDATE** This just in. Reports out of Fujian say that the giant rat has just been broken out of his holding cell by four equally giant Chinese turtles, who used some unknown form of martial art to fight off the cell guards. They were last seen headed for Beijing and were overheard saying, “Master Splinter! Statler and Waldorf are in trouble!”

1. Monkey-Faced Pig

Need I say more?

I have not met anyone in real life that speaks this way, aside from a few certain people who often have to speak in public. My point is that this sort of “stage Chinese,” with its sudden mouth spasms and the infamous finger-shake — well, it just gets under my skin. This probably explains why I (and so many other people) have a distaste for Dashan.

It’s like listening to John Malkovich talk. He just sounds pretentious, like he’s using an inappropriate level of formality. I’m sure that both Mr. Malkovich and the guy in the video below are great people, and I wouldn’t really want to kick either of their dangly bits. But seriously, this is exactly the kind of thing that led to playground beatings back in grade 3.

While my own Chinese is not outstanding by any stretch, here’s my advice to Chinese learners out there: Try to speak like the native speakers around you. Not like your teachers, or the people you see on TV.

Any other students out there feel this way?

Yeah, you heard me. A gaelic football team in China. If you don’t know what gaelic/Irish football is, that doesn’t really matter so much. Just check it out below in the video. Long story short, there’s a team here in Dalian, China — not a likely place to find that brand of football either. The Dalian Wolfhounds, as they’re called, have quite a few Chinese starters this year, more than any other team I’m told. That’s great to see. It’s almost like the Jamaican bobsled team, in a way — only without the bobsled and stuff.

They’ve been training every week and drinking their milk, and fund-raising as well, in the hopes of traveling to Malaysia for the All-Asia Games on October 11th and 12th. Read more about that here, on their blog. But they could use your help. If you have a paypal account, it’d be much appreciated if you send a modest donation. No amount is too small.

Update 9/28: Mikey Farrelly, coach of the Wolfhounds, has just announced that unfortunately they didn’t reach their fund-raising target, and will not be able to make the trip to Malaysia. However, your donations are still welcome, as they will continue fund-raising for the club — and according to Mikey, they are “going to hit next year’s China Games like a ton of bricks!”

Three men – one of whom is surnamed Liu, while the other two are surnamed Wang – purchased a glittering “treasure” for $2,000 in Kyrgyzstan. They brought it back to Xinjiang, hoping to make a fortune by selling it.

Because they knew nothing about the 274-kg stone, they sliced off a piece to bring to Beijing for expert analysis last January.

Last September, geologists at Tsinghua University concluded it was depleted uranium and called police.

Prosecutors in Aksu decided against arresting the men, because they obviously had no idea what they had purchased. The men have undergone medical examinations and appear to be in good health. China Daily via Digg.com

Pastor/Professor Eddie Romero came to Beijing to “speak for those who can’t speak for themselves,” i.e. imprisoned dissidents Hu Jia or Shi Tao and others. He did some guerilla mural painting in a few Beijing hotel rooms, which is pretty ballsy for sure. Check out one of his videos below. Lets be thankful that he’s Christian, otherwise he might have had dynamite strapped to his chest.

A Somewhat Anti-Climactic Surrender

I posted about Eddie’s live-streamed arrest on my own blog, and I’ll cross post it here as well:

This is odd. The latest Olympics protest comes courtesy of bible thumper Eddie Romero. Props to him for making the best use of technology to get his voice heard, as he streamed the audio live to talkshoe. Though he should have spent more time refining his voice, as his attempts to yell and scream in Chinese are pretty unintelligible. He yells some names of dissidents, but that’s about all I can understand. I haven’t managed to listen to the entire thing yet, but it sounds like due to the language barrier he’s having trouble convincing them that he’s arrest-worthy. If anyone else want’s to check it out download the mp3.

Now, this blog has an audience which is fairly knowledgeable about China. Likely far more knowledgeable than Mr. Romero. So, given what you know about China, what are your expert thoughts?

There’s a certain admirable maturity in being able to laugh about your misfortunes, and I think whoever wrote this song should be bought a few beers. Something to catch his falling tears at least. I don’t suppose I can say much else about this, as Canada’s men’s soccer team is even worse… Hell, we don’t even have a medal yet.

Here’s a video of the song with the lyrics below.

国足欢迎你
我家球门常打开
要进几个随你
交锋过后就有了底
你会爱上这里
　　
不管远近都是客人
请不用客气
进的少了别在意
下次补给你
　　
我家住着谢亚龙
书写每段传奇
不懂足球不要紧
仕途才是第一
陌生熟悉都是客人
请不用距离
谢主席他很热情
场场督战陪你
　　
国足欢迎你
为你开天辟地
再不济的实力
也能找信心
　　
国足欢迎你
在主场上分享平局
哪怕你世界排名垫底
　　
我家球门常打开
开怀容纳天地
一个两个不算稀奇
再多也输得起
　　
天大地大都是朋友
请不用客气
场上梦游是惯例
场下才牛B
　
国足欢迎你
用净剩球感动你
你们捞足积分
我们来出局
　　
国足欢迎你
遇到中国就是福气

业余联队一样能晋级

Here’s a translation that a friend sent me, though I’m not sure if it’s for this same version:

Wide open our country’s goal,
As many you can score
After the game you know
Playing with us, you’ll love

Near or far, all guests you are
Make yourself at home
Never mind scoring too few
Next time come all over

Super hero Mr Xie,
A miracle creator.
Dumb and stupid as he is
Bossiness’s his wonder

New or old, no distance to hold
Guest you’ll always be
Mr Xie feels sorry for you
To see him all around

Welcome to play
And make your history
you’ll always be the better team,
When with us you meet

Welcome to play
And you may score as you wish
Even if last you rank
In the world of soccer

Wide open our country’s goal,
Welcome all the globe
Never just take one or two
We can offer more

Our friends around the globe
Please be our guests
On the field in dream we walk
Super duckers when we’re off

Welcome to play
More goals we always gave
3 points you may take
Dumber history we will make

Spread the word among your friends in China. Screw proxies. This is friggin’ wonderful.

Watch the Video of the VPN install:

NOTE: I had to censor the part with The Daily Show in it.  Apparently youtube is quite sensitive about showing Jon Stewart’s face anywhere!  They took this video down the first time I posted it.  How about that? Youtube censored a video about censorship!

Taking a cab between 3:30 and 4pm is easily the biggest pain in my relocated ass right now. My current schedule requires me to commute at this time of the day, and it very rarely goes smoothly. Taxis usually change from the day driver to the night driver around 4pm.  And to do that they need to go pick up the second driver in a certain part of town. If your destination is not reasonably near that part of town then your shit outta good fortune, as I all too often am.  Typically, the conversation with the driver goes something like this:

Driver: 到那儿？
Where to?

Me: 中山广场。
Zhongshan Square

Driver: 去不了。
I can’t go.

Me: 为什么呢？
Why not?

Driver: 交班。
I’m changing shifts.

Me: 那，你交班的话， 你干吗停车？快去交班吧，别浪费我的时间。
If you’re changing shifts, why stop the car? Go change shifts then, and stop wasting my time.

Usually I would not be so snappy, but recently it’s not unusual for this scenario to happen a few times in a row, leaving me running late as a result.  But my question to all “Old China Veterans” out there is this:

Is it illegal for taxi drivers to refuse to take customers in this way? I was under the impression (from one of my old Chinese text books) that if a taxi driver refuses a customer, you should take down his car number （车号）and report him no matter how many 我们也不容易s he spits out (means “we don’t have it easy either”). I mean, that’s what Mary did in my text book.  But yet when I see Chinese people being refused, they seem to accept it quite easily. So I’m left questioning as to whether or not this law really exists. Or this just another 没办法 situation, and there’s really nothing we can do about it？

I swear ta gawd I just might have to go all Taxi Driver on some of these guys myself if this keeps up…

Disclaimer: I’ve just quit smoking and I hate everyone.