Pandemonium breaks out at Taipei Zoo

Zookeepers became suspicious of the resident giant pandas’ true pedigree after Tuan Tuan and Yuan Yuan began acting strangely

Taiwan-China relations were dealt a severe setback yesterday when it was found that Taipei Zoo’s “pandas” are not what they seem.

Zookeepers discovered at feeding time yesterday that the two pandas are in fact Wenzhou brown forest bears that had been dyed to create the panda’s distinctive black-and-white appearance.

The Taipei Zoo’s head of ursidae ex-procyonidae care, Connie Liu (劉長春), said she became suspicious when the pandas, Tuan Tuan (團團) and Yuan Yuan (圓圓), began to spend almost all of their waking hours having sex. Pandas are notorious for their low libidos, which make them difficult to breed in captivity.

“Let’s just say Tuan Tuan and Yuan Yuan would tuan yuan at every chance,” said Liu, referring to the combination of the panda’s names, which means “to reunite” in Mandarin. “They would do it doggy-style and every armchair zoologist knows that pandas favor the missionary position — when they do it at all. Their behavior caused chaos. Children screamed and parents became irate.”

Her suspicions were confirmed yesterday when she noticed that the animals’ new hair growth was discolored.

“Their roots began to show,” she said.

A zookeeper who asked to be identified only by his nickname A-diung (阿忠) because he was not authorized to speak with the media said he and his coworkers had long had their doubts, but were discouraged from publicly voicing their concerns by management.

“Whenever the moaning from the panda enclosure gets too loud we gotta go in there and hose ’em down with cold water,” he said. “After a while, parts of the animals’ black-and-white patches started to turn brown.”

He said he alerted senior zoo staff who dismissed his concerns.

“They told me pandas at the zoo in Washington, DC, get lethargic and sometimes lie in their own feces because they can’t tolerate hot weather, so it didn’t surprise them at all that their fur was turning brown since Taipei’s hotter on average than Washington,” he said.

The pandas arrived in Taipei last December as a gift from the Chinese government. The pair were first offered three years ago, but were rejected by then-president Chen Shui-bian (陳水扁). After the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) candidate Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九) won the presidential election last May, the pandas were accepted, though critics continue to decry what they see as an attempt by Beijing to bribe Taiwanese with cute, cuddly furballs in lieu of a more meaningful gesture of goodwill such as removing some of the 1,500 missiles China has pointed at Taiwan.

Even the pandas’ most diehard supporters were brokenhearted yesterday. Some angrily compared the subterfuge to last year’s contaminated milk scandal, when melamine that had been added to watered-down milk sickened 300,000 victims across China and led to a recall of diary products in countries including Taiwan.

“First the milk scandal and now this. What are we going to hear next?” said Chang I-jun (張麗君), a Taipei resident.

Chang, who operates a souvenir stand near the zoo’s entrance, added that the scandal would affect sales of her stuffed panda toys, panda T-shirts, panda pens and notepads, remote-controlled pandas on wheels, caps with panda ears on top, panda fans, panda flashlights, panda mugs, panda eyeglass cases, panda face masks, panda slippers, panda wallets and panda purses.

“China certainly owes us an apology,” said Chang.

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BEIJING, March 31 (Xinhaha) — After allegations by Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao earlier this month that the Dalai Lama and his supporters were directly responsible for the recent violent insurgence in Lhasa and other parts of Tibet, a surprise announcement was made Tuesday that the Dalai Lama had met with Chinese President Hu Jintao in an effort to reconcile with the government in Beijing.

The visit to the nation’s capital represents the first time in nearly 40 years that the Dalai Lama has entered China, having left the country in 1959 to pursue an interest in the arts and a desire to obtain the Nobel Peace Prize. In front of an intrigued crowd, Hu called the event “a milestone on the pathway to a harmonious society.”

Speaking to reporters, the Dalai Lama stated, “I welcome this opportunity to begin, finally, the healing process between Tibet and the rest of China. I only wish we had begun sooner, as I rather dislike curry.”

Also on hand was Qiangba Puncog, Chairman of the Tibet Autonomous Region government, who introduced the Dalai Lama as a “true friend of China” and apologized for any negative remarks he had made about the peaceful spiritual leader in the past. “Things I may, or may not, have said prior to this glorious day were, or may have been, out of harmony with my actual beliefs. I am a Tibetan, of course I love the Dalai Lama. I need all the karma I can get.”

After the public appearance, President Hu and the Dalai Lama began an official dialog of reconciliation whereby China agreed to allow the Tibetan spiritual and cultural leader return to his homeland under the stipulation that he would publicly announce he has no intentions of independence, but only autonomy and that he would endorse the creation of Lamaland Theme Park™.

In turn, the Dalai Lama asked for reassurances that none of his followers would be retroactively punished for their dissension over the years, and that all ethnic Han Chinese in Tibet would stop pretending to be Tibetans in an effort to cheat foreign tourists.

His Holiness concluded talks with Hu saying, “Liberation, subjugation. It’s about time we call the whole thing off.”