Religion is a pervasive topic of interest when discussing culture, especially in today’s global society – a society in which secularism and orthodoxy battle one another more ferociously than elderly Chinese grannies and repressed housewives at a Carrefour sale. What, too soon?
Though I know merciless missionaries have spread the good Christian faith the world over, I wondered what an analysis of Christian religious tenets from a Chinese perspective would yield. And so, in today’s article, I give you…
The Ten Commandments: Sinofied.
1. I am the LORD thy God. Thou shalt have no strange gods before Me.
Well this one is just silly. The Chinese don’t believe in god(s) – only rice and a good bargain. Unless by “the Lord” you mean Mao Zedong. Then it makes perfect sense. There is no one I know of before him. And he IS the only one whose face is on money. But personally, I think rice is a better bet. Mao may have those cute chubby cheeks, but at the end of the day, it’s an ample pile of the white stuff that’s going to keep you satisfied. Oh, and the rice is good too.
2. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain.
Definitely do not take Mao’s name in vain. Or Rice’s. Rice has fury to unleash like you wouldn’t believe. You know that movie ‘Children of the Corn’? Well corn is indigenous to the Americas. Guess where the Asian cult-children will be coming from? You’re damn right.
3. Keep holy the Sabbath day.
Not in a developing Socialist-Capitalist nation of 1.3 billion you don’t! There is no time for leisure or resting.
No Work = No Rice = No God
And we all know what Western nations like to do to Asian nations populated by godless Socialist hoardes.
4. Honour thy father and thy mother.
Or no new cell phones! The parents only have one shot anyway. If you don’t honor them, what are they going to do about it?
5. Thou shalt not kill.
Well, the parents could do THAT. They might have to. It’s the only way to combat the Children of the Rice.
6. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
This one is going to be an influential one as the gender disparity stirs unrest amongst the masses. Adultery in China used to be penalized by death back in the good ol’ days. Now China is a “modern nation” and views this sort of punishment for adultery as a “human rights violation.”
Bull! You can’t have it both ways, China. Either free Tibet or bring back adulterer beheadings! Actually, I take that back. I’m all for freedom and peace and brotherhood, et cetera, but I think we’d all rather see some heads roll.
7. Thou shalt not steal.
…unless thou wantest thy digits forceably removed. Ouch.
8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.
Generally true. Unless your neighbor is a foreigner. Then it’s absolutely fine to bear false witness, provided he is richer than you. Wait. Strike that last part. Rewind. Provided he doesn’t speak Chinese well enough to outmaneuver you. Yep. That’s it.
9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife.
Throw in “Thou shalt not covet thine own wife” and you’ve got a foolproof approach to population control if ever I’ve heard one.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s goods.
Uh-uh. No way. This one is stupidity incarnate. Coveting your neighbor’s goods is what keeps Wal-Mart, Starbucks, BMW, and Nike-China in business. And subsequently keeps the city of Guangdong employed, thriving, and coated in soot. NOT coveting thy neighbour’s goods is what tanked the Soviets. China certainly isn’t going to covet THAT neighbour and its lack of goods. Though if Putin’s shirtless fishing exhibition says anything about the current state of political newsmaking, perhaps Hu ought to be coveting his neighbour’s sexy goods. Ready to take the old reel out for a spin, Mr. President?
Well, there you have it. Be sure to address any angry letters regarding the blaspheming author of this post to Lost Laowai creator Ryan McLaughlin. You’re welcome.