I firmly believe that everyone has super powers. Even you.
I have two. The first of my incredible edible talents is that my tongue has its own brain. Place me in front of a crowd of evangelicals, and I’ll find myself telling them that I think Harry Potter is stupid because I prefer my fiction with “more gore and as much adult material as possible”. Whoops. Gregg’s dad, if you ever read this, what I meant to say was, “I like grown up books better.”
The other one is that I can’t get stoned, which is the most ball-gargling superpower in the universe.
My friends have superpowers, too. Bekka Baker is endowed with the awesome power of prayer, holding God’s ear in a grip so tight, Bekka’s every desire is granted without argument. Seriously, God’s like, “OW! Okay, OKAY! I’ll find you a Playstation. Jesus.” And so it was that a Playstation fell from the heavens, and graced the Baker household with its multifunctional, high-definition goodness.
Andrew Hustad’s skin secretes a subtle pheromone comprised of charmisoyn molecules, a powerful chemical known to totally kick your ass in the most pleasant possible way. After a reported seven minutes alone with Andrew in a subterranean chamber below the earth’s crust, Kim Jong Il was heard to quip, and I quote, “Dude, that is nicest guy I have ever met. He’s just so nice. What a nice guy.”
Ian Sherman’s super powers only trigger the morning after coitus: any woman Ian has ever slept with will tell you that soon after removing his dangly parts from her tunnel of passion, he miraculously and comprehensively disappears.
But the Chinese Communist Party, being larger and more pendulous than any one individual, has the coolest super power of all. Check this out: they’ve figured out a way to control the movement of the sun in the heavens simply by *stamping a piece of paper*.
I want Daylight Savings Time, you stubborn twats.
at least you are giving the big dude recognition for my powers of “prayer”. i heard he (or she) gets mad about that.
Ow that’s not completely fair… well, maybe a little. I only disappear to the next room, multitasking; kicking electronic commie butt and mulling over the fact that the way she says ‘gumption’ may be grounds for instant dumpification.
I was trying to work in a whole paragraph about how your body then re-materializes in front of your laptop, playing strategy games, but then I realized I’m supposed to be writing about China.
I sort of like the whole “no changing of the time zones” thing. It’s less confusing. And I don’t have to learn any cutesy rhymes to help me remember when the clocks are turned forward and when they’re turned back.
yeah but, i hate beijing’s early morning orientation, i mean.. the sun rising at 4am in the summer time??? I just wanted to say that I so love both Rachel’s and Kendra’s bios here… don’t know where else to say that..so…. and Dr. Chocolate Pamplemousee III… i just have to use that for a cleric in NWN someday… great name.
WE might have it OK on the eastern coast of the country, though I really do hate the 4am summer sunrise and the 7:30 winter one, but I feel for those Tibetans who haplessly on Beijing time.
@ Laisee: NEVERWINTER!
@Kendra: Think they follow it? I’ve often wondered if the time thing is more just an “official” thing, and if the folks in the high reaches of Tibet just go by their own “TST – Tibetan Smart Time” or something.
@Laisee: I agree, in fact, it’s based completely on their bios that I allow them to right here. Should Kendra ever remove “Vagina” (and kill our “China vagina” search rating)… well… her “Author” account may go missing 😉
Actually, none of that’s true – please keep writing guys, this blog would be nothing without you… NOTHING.