The event pits countries from across the globe against each other in a balls-out relay race to see who can reach absolute absurdity first, all the while volleying hypocritically mundane arguments back and forth. Athletes will be judged on their ability to leap without looking, speak without thinking and masterfully perform the ultimate Puerile Ping Pong move – the Downward Spiral of Stupidity.
Though traditionally China has dominated the semi-pro leagues in the sport, this year Western nations have made a strong showing, catching the Asian country off-guard and causing it to double its efforts to assure its place at the top of the Puerile podium come medal day.
I mean seriously, what the hell is going on – I can barely hear the free cries coming from YouTube over the constant SMS notifications my wife is receiving from patriotic dimwits demanding that she cease immediately any purchasing plans she may have had for Louis Vuitton gear. And should she choose to shop at Carrefour on or after the start of May, her Chinese bits will fall off and she’ll have to live the rest of her life as a laowai leper.
Could an American please stand up and educate these fine folks on how stupid you end up looking when you vilify the French without any real cause?
In all seriousness though, I couldn’t be happier about the impromptu boycott – if it’s a success, I may just be able to go shopping for a couple weeks without having to maim the elderly to get at the fruit and veg.
Here’s a thought: rather than boycotting Carrefour (having learned our lesson about boycotting businesses that employ a long tail of Chinese workers), what say we just go to our neighbour’s house and give ’em a sharp kick to the gnads. I mean, it’s very likely they work in some capacity for the evil French, German or American empires anyway – and this way we don’t have to give up affordable curry mixes and meat with expiry dates and they don’t have to give up their wages.
Hell, rather than all this boycotting of supermarkets and facial products, lets just boycott the damn Olympics. No, not in the way that Mia and her mob of morons are calling for, but by cutting out all nations that won’t benefit China with their attendance. I mean, this is China’s Olympics, right?
First, we’ll cut out members of the Eight Nation Alliance, as it’s about time they paid for their Crimes Against China. And lets nix all Muslim nations, as they’re just a bad seed for the current dissension in Xinjiang. Iceland’s out – bitch. Australia can stay home – its Chinese speaking PM is just mouthy, ditto the Canucks. S. Korea can come, we know how to play them, and need someone to beat on the high dive boards anyway. We’ll let India in as well – I mean, a nation with a billion people and they only netted a single medal in Athens (same as our little city to the south, HK), it’s more likely they’ll leave China lookin’ goOOod.
Oh, and we’ll have to change the name. “The Olympics” are so… well… Greek sounding, and what is this, 2004? Naw, how about The People’s Harmonious Sports Party – much nicer ring to it. And speaking of rings – multi-colour? Bah. Gold, gold and more gold baby!
Alright, got a bit carried away there. One does have to wonder though, if put to a vote, how much of that would the people of China prefer rather than having to deal, like the adult nation they want to be seen as, with the criticisms (right or wrong) they are receiving.
One question stands stark and sober through all of this – is buying fake LV bags and L’Oréal products still acceptable?